I love to read bumper stickers, but I have walked around my car three times and I still can’t find a bumper. Even without a bumper, bumper stickers make for interesting reading. The COEXIST slogan peace sticker has had its final hurrah. Usually sharing the road with I EAT VEGETABLES and I LOVE YOGA it was clever, but it is now definitely passé. Not to take a snob-like attitude, I sometimes wonder about people. Recently, I was waiting at a red light in line behind EAT FRUIT and I LOVE MY CAT. What can I say? I eat fruit. I love my cat. I am not sure if I am willing to publicize such personal and revealing information.
Right now, and in fact always, I have nothing glued onto my car that describes my life, my interests, or my shopping habits. Being naughty but nice, I humbly offer suggestions for new bumper stickers: • I Love My Salamander • Peanuts Give Me Hives • Coffee Drinker-Warning-Frequent Stops • God, Guns & Gum (A gun covered with chewed pink bubble gum. God is laughing in the background.) • If You Can’t Read This—Then You Are Too Far Away.
Recently, I was on the road behind a car with a bumper sticker that admonished drivers to CHOOSE CIVILITY. I have to comment. Let’s take a close look at CHOOSE CIVILITY. I doubt if there are any drivers who understand the word Civility. Choose Civility over what? Barbarism? Cannibalism? Patriotism? We know it has to be an “ism.” Be more specific please, the school teacher in me does not approve.
One bumper sticker really jarred my thinking. I pulled into a parking spot, (I have always been proud of my ability to parallel park) only to read ‘I am a (shape of a square).’ Excuse me, but this one must be called out for a critique. It’s okay to self-identify with a geometric shape but why ‘square’? Although I am possibly out of touch with personal reality, I consider myself to be a diamond or a circle or a heart. I like to think of myself as stylish, loving, and why would I advertise anything less? Since the term ‘square’ went out with cassette tapes, this driver is probably over ninety so my appropriate response is: “Why are you still driving?”
I admire people who advertise products and services on the back window of their cars. I never have a pen handy, but I am impressed with their marketing savvy. For those readers who remember the Western series Gunsmoke and Paladin, I will share my car window marketing slogan. Miss Pat—Have Humor—Won’t Travel.
Bumper stickers and car advertising are not the only opportunities to read while driving. Signs are everywhere. I am not considering the over-abundance of store and business signage; but the signs that the DOT has set along the road to gently guide me, warn me, and mold me into a better person. One day I decided to count the DOT signs from one intersection to my destination. The distance was less than a quarter of a mile. I counted thirty signs. Some were on the left, some were on the right, I was welcomed, directed, warned, and distracted. I will take a leap of faith and say I could have gotten there without all the help.
Comments